i hope you didn’t drive too fast on your way home… they wouldn’t have let you drive 150 anyways, with all the humps and everything. but still.

i still don’t fully understand why you’re feeling bad, you put too much blame on yourself. and you always tell me i blame myself for everything. . knowing you, you’re probably interpreting the whole situation as something far worse than it really is, and even if i tell you that it’s all going to be ok, you’re just going to say ok and not really believe me. but i’m still going to say it anyway.
it’s all going to be ok.

nothing’s been lost, it’s just another way of handling things i guess… i just realized it’s pretty selfish of me to decide on, but i think that we both really need it, at least for now.
why do you feel like something ended? you know last night when you said you were pretty much sure about how i loved you less and that i was on the edge of breaking up with you? i got so scared when you just walked away. the yabang part of me ‘knew’ you were coming back, but the ‘schoolgirl’ part of me made me realize how much i take it for granted and how i don’t let you properly know how much you mean to me.
it’s the pride, i told you. it’s knowing that you’ll know where i actually stand and what i fear most; the fear of being vulnerable to you in that way (about my feelings AND my safety net with my family), and the fear of you having the power to use it against me once you do become aware of it.
i’m not the schoolgirl-dreamer type who’ll write your last name after my first with hearts all over my papers, and i’m not as good as you when it comes to corny texts. in a way, i’d rather keep it that way, keep my feelings for you to myself, cause it’s so much simpler that way. you knowing the essential is the most important thing; you don’t need to know the little details. and you already know me more that i know myself, so i mean, i think i could keep those little things to myself.

i don’t like it when you start making those small promises to me about nevers and always and forevers, because i don’t want to find myself holding on to every word and being confused when they don’t stand true anymore. relativity and truth; the truth isn’t always true.
so i try not to even process those ‘i never want to hurt you’ because once i do, even if i try not to believe in them, i’ll still always have that in memory and still wonder why you did hurt me…
it hurt what you said last night, i told you already. even though it wasn’t what you wanted me to understand, i guess i just got reminded of some things that i did forget about cause i was so into our little bubble.
it’s like now, it’s not only your insecurities that we’re trying to fix, it’s mine also, on top of the things that i promised my self as a part of my self defense mechanism. it’s selfish, but i always forget love isn’t just one way.
i’m sorry. i know it’s not what you wanted, and as always, you didn’t have much of a say about it. i don’t know what else i can say. i just wanted to let you know the real reasons why i think that it’s the right solution.

it’s not like it’s ending any part of the relationship. i know we can still be the same despite this change. and the thing is, we also have to see how long this new thing’ll actually last

anyways, all that to say thank you for putting up with my occasional shit and i’m sorry for being such a bitch. i always miss you and i do love you even if you forget sometimes, and my pride gets in the way.

it’s 4am and i think my second wind is going down.

Sat . 4 . 10 . 2010  notes (0)