I think I’ve figured it all out.
17 for me, has got to be the most revolutionary, even more than my tattooed 14. Needless to say, I’ve done quite a bit of growing up, and most of it, I’m still mourning about. Not because I regret it, but because I know that now, there’s no turning back, ever. There’s no refresh button or a backspace key for these sorts of things you know? Everyone’s always asking me what I want to do in the future, only to put their input in and tell me that what I want to do isn’t good enough fro my standards. Well the truth is, I don’t know what I want to do. I’ve caught myself saying I want to make music ever since I was small, maybe it was my dad’s influence on me. But as embarrassed as I am to actually say it aloud, I actually somehow mean it. I don’t know, I’m most probably way in over my head anyways. Like always.
You never really know what you have going on, until you lose it. But the worst part is realizing you are losing it, and there’s not much you can do about it. I know. Oh, trust me, I sure do. It wasn’t until the beginning of this week that I grew paranoid, because knocked up signs have been flashing in front of my eyes over and over again. There’s no way it could be true, its physically and chemically impossible. And yet I found myself telling him I needed a test, for my own sanity and peace of mind. Right now, I wake up every morning checking, and relishing every cramp I get, because it’s a faint reassurance of my worst fear. And then we go back to the whole future-ahead-of-you-thing. I count the days over and over again and hope with every aching bit of me to see that I’m right. It’s literally impossible. I think I’m going nuts, seriously.
And I seriously think I need a night out with my friends. It’s not so much of the time spent together, but I fear social insignificance and association, and so, I just need a break. I’m afraid of taking you for granted and not loving you for how much you love me and how much you deserved to be loved, simply because I’ve exhausted the supply in me. I need time to be me again, in order to love you like that again.
I thought the figuring out part was the hardest, when in fact the hardest is the doing-something-about-it-part. I need to find it in me to do so.
